How to Start your Hero’s Journey, and What to Expect
Disclaimer
The information in this article can certainly help any gender at any age. However, I’m writing this through the lense of a man trying to find his truth within a chaotic and confusing world because that has been my journey. I write from the perspective of the wounded masculine. I write from the perspective of a soul who has weathered many disorienting and suppressive societal storms. I’ve done my own work to release resentment for these storms. In fact, I’m grateful for them, as the intense pressure of a difficult life is what sculps us into the diamonds that we are. They have shaped me into a better version of myself and for that I am grateful for them.
My goal with this article is to lay out a typical path of the human experience for the deeper souls who want to rise above their situation, heal and grow into the best version of themselves to live a fulfilling and happy life, but may not know how to move forward or where to go from where they stand. Seeing your way forward is essential. Otherwise, you are not only lost and confused, but blind too. If you do not fit this description, I believe you can still learn what many men are going through when they are suffering in silence while they walk the path of self-discovery and personal growth to align with their truth in this modern society.
Maybe you are a man, but you don’t find yourself within one of these proverbial shit storms of life, or maybe you haven’t encountered one yet. To you, good sir, I say, “Are you ready?,” because it’s not a matter of IF it will happen, but WHEN. It’s only a matter of time before your next challenge by the universe. Will you answer it? Will it pummel you into the depths of depression, loneliness, and solitude, or will you prepare, endure, and emerge stronger, with gratitude for the lessons learned? I’m here to help you gain some perspective so you can get through life’s challenges as a man and look back with your chin high and a spirit full of gratitude for every ounce of suffering you are meant to encounter in this life.
Lastly, if you are a spouse, friend, parent, or child with any men in your life whom you love, reading this article can help you understand what they are going through and how you can best support them when they are struggling. Many men in our society are confused about how to be and who to be right now, so the best thing you can do is learn what they are going through so that you can support them how they need support, which is no easy task.
I hope this helps.
How the Journey Typically Starts
The “healing journey” is a term that many are familiar with, but don’t fully understand because it is such a subjective experience. It is not one that starts in calm waters. It usually starts in a royal shit storm; probably the biggest one you’ve faced. It starts with the heartbreak from a breakup with a long-term partner, not long after you professed the intent of living happily ever after together. It starts with the sudden death of a best friend or family member from suicide. Or maybe it starts after you work a job that you dislike for so long that your mental health corrodes deep into the depths of hell until all you can see is grey. It starts with something catastrophic, something horrible, something you could have never imagined would happen to you, or something you couldn’t have imagined doing to someone else. It is never planned. It’s never something you prepared for. And, inevitably, it rocks you.
Getting caught in a storm in the middle of the Atlantic in a boat that’s not built for it will surely lead to collapse. The boat that is your life will turn to splintered pieces in a matter of minutes. If this has already happened to you, then you know this collapse comes with tsunami-sized waves of pain, misery, and suffering. If it hasn’t happened, please don’t be scared, as these are the experiences in life that make you grow into a stronger and more beautiful version of yourself.
My Grandma tried to warn me of this inevitable storm during my mid-twenties. Of course, I didn’t listen. I was fresh out of business school, had a secure corporate job with a good company, and had just bought my second rental property. What did she know? I was crushing it. I pressed on with my 60+ hour work weeks and my eye on my tangible goals.
Now I look back and grin at her wisdom while shaking my head. Little did I know, a few years later, I would be freshly divorced, lost, confused, and devastated by the awakening of my childhood trauma that hit me like a ton of bricks the day my son was born. My marriage of 6 years (and relationship of 15 years) ended when my son was just 10 weeks old. I was wrecked. I had never experienced that level of sleep deprivation, depression, anger, confusion, and sadness.
Becoming a father was the most difficult thing I had ever experienced. In college I had worked up to four jobs at one time. I paid my way through three degrees. I also flipped four houses with my bare hands while working as a full-time analyst at a fortune 500 company. Fatherhood wrecked me worse than all those put together. I had never struggled so hard as I did with being a new father. The birth of my son woke me up in my heart space for the first time in my adult life, and when I woke up, I realized that I just spent the last 15 years following the direction of everyone else around me. I lost touch with myself, my heart, my gut, and my true nature in pursuit of what society told me was honorable to achieve.
The worst part of it all was that amidst my despair and disorder, I felt so unseen by everyone around me. When I needed love and support, I was told to “Man up!” When I needed someone to hold me and support me getting through it on my own, I was judged. When I needed understanding, I was met with harshness. When I needed to be treated like a struggling human with a heart and soul, I was treated like a man. That hurt. It hurt enough to send me spiraling further downward into a pit of doom in my own mind. This is where my healing journey began. It felt like a god damn freight train running two hundred miles per hour and hitting the side of a mountain.
Hitting Rock Bottom
My storm came and I was NOT prepared. What I had achieved in the physical world didn’t matter. My MBA didn’t matter. The $1,000,000+ real estate empire I had built over the past 7 years didn’t matter. I followed society’s golden rule book and crushed it, but none of that mattered. The storm came and it flooded my reality for months without letting up long enough for me to breathe, let alone see clearly to understand what was happening. I was completely disoriented and lost. I tried to keep going, but there was no getting through it with the current mental, emotional, and spiritual foundation that I had built, or failed to build, around me. I was overwhelmed, devastated, and scared. I had never felt that much emotional pain before and only saw one way to end it. So, like many men before me, I ran. I went far enough in one direction so that I could see, catch my breath, and gather myself. Looking back now, I can see why men who are struggling take their own lives. Just as I saw running as the only option, some see ending their reality as the only chance to escape. Nothing hurts more than being unseen and beat down while you are already struggling.
Running was probably not the best option for everyone involved, but nonetheless that’s what I did. I didn’t have the mental and spiritual fortitude to press on and I didn’t have the support I needed to get through it. These are things I’ve had to forgive myself for, as I am imperfect, and I am learning. And running only made things harder. I received the harshest judgement from my father and grandfather. I lost friends. I lost my home. I lost my lover and my best friend. I lost everything. But I had already lost myself by doing what everyone else told me to do and nothing is worse than losing that, so I stayed the course.
With a divorce and a mountain of shame filling my rear-view mirror, the only thing that fueled me was the idea that my son came into existence to ignite all of this for a reason that I would understand later. He rocked my world. He woke me up. He demanded that I elevate into the most aligned, loving version of myself, for him, for me, and for the betterment of the rest of the world as I begin the journey to shine my light brighter on those around me. With Oliver in my shattered heart, demons filling my mind, and a freshly cracked-open soul, I took the first step on my healing and spiritual growth journey.
Looking Outside of Your Own Mind
My journey began alone in one of our vacant rental units. I spent months on the floor, crying in agony over what I had experienced. I woke up every morning to the same overwhelming pit of agony in my stomach. It felt like Groundhog’s Day, but one where I opened my eyes every morning to the same waking nightmare. How the hell did I get here? One minute I was in a 4-bedroom house with a safe and comfortable path forward, and the next I was alone in an empty rental property making eggs in an air fryer.
Through this excruciating change and turmoil, I never lost sight of one important knowing: the strong intuitive feeling that I needed to know myself. With that in mind, but no clue how to move forward, I looked outside of myself. I finally gave up the idea that I could intellectually figure it all out on my own. For the first time since being an infant, I explored the idea of knowing nothing. I surrendered it all. I surrendered to the idea that something was out there that was grander and wiser than myself. I had spent the last decade doing what everyone else told me to do instead of following my own intuition, and my life fell apart in an epic drama of humiliation as a result. So, it was time to try something different.
At that point, I didn’t know what this grand energy was, but I dedicated my life to finding out. I started meditating, doing yoga, qigong, and reading books that helped me follow that intuition. Even through the fear-filled delirium that clouded my reality during those early months, that intuition led me on a course that, above all, felt true. Some may call that intuition Spirit. Some may call it the divine destiny of The Universe. Some call it God. Whatever it was, I was desperate and out of options, so I was all ears and ready to follow its guidance towards a new path.
The Hero’s Journey
In ancient mythology, the hero's journey is an archetypical narrative that involves a hero who faces a crisis and embarks on a grand adventure to slay the internal and/or external demons that are causing havoc. He (or She) is victorious in his crisis and comes home a transformed and evolved version of himself because of it all. Although I don’t personally follow a single religion, I have come to find that most of the stories in the bible and ancient mythology were written for a reason. Once you view them as manuals for life that people created to help them endure, it’s easier to take unbiased notes from them that lead to real wisdom in your own life. Sure, many of the aspects of these stories are outdated based on centuries of sociological changes, but the fundamental nature of them can still provide sound insight for the typical human struggles that millions of people deal with today.
As I embarked on my journey, I struggled like never before. I experienced the most amount of depression I had ever felt. Some call that Daddy Blues, but a fair amount came from the mountain of anxiety from wondering if I just fucked my whole life up. I also embarked on this journey while trying to navigate being a new father and coparent. But I was now on a mission that was bigger than anything I had ever known, and when I have my sights on something, I’m damn well going to see it through.
The direction which I sought help was not singular, nor did it form a straight line from A to B. In other words, I was very open as to how and where to learn and grow in the areas I needed to. I started working with a therapist to dig into childhood trauma that I had buried deep in my subconscious my entire life. I read books on emotional healing and spiritual connection. I looked for life coaches to help me find direction and grow in a healthy direction. I even signed up for a twelve-week, military-based program designed to help me grow on all levels. It pushed me physically, mentally philosophically, and spiritually. This program is where I first learned of the so-called “Hero’s Journey.” I learned a LOT. Probably too much too fast to be honest. But that’s just how I operate.
Side note: by this time, I had yet to learn how to flow with the universe and, therefore, continued to operate on my old habits of intense drive towards my goals. Yes, you CAN overachieve your own healing journey. This is not necessary, but who am I to stop you from learning the lessons you are meant to learn, when you are meant to learn them?
Back to the Hero’s Journey. Step one is the Call To Adventure. This typically comes from that storm I was talking about. My storm was the struggle that came with fatherhood and awakening to the fact that my childhood trauma drove me to overachieve and lose touch with my true self. Yours may very well be different. I have plenty of male friends who have had a much better experience. But they are not me. And I am not you. Everyone’s storm is different. But that storm is typically so loud that it wakes you up from our sleepwalking life to realize that there is a tiny shimmer in the other room that may lead to higher ground. It knocks us down and holds up a sign that says, “Are you ready for the journey?”
It is up to you to answer the call or not. Saying yes means you willingly choose to face harder times to find AND create your true self! I have met dozens of men in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s who wait until then to start this journey of softening, opening, and connecting in the spiritual heart space. These men support me on my journey more than anyone else because they know it leads to more contentment and peace in the long run. Their greatest regret (and studies back this up) is not softening and opening sooner.
The next phase of the Hero’s Journey is called the Known or Ordinary World. This is the world that you’ve been brought up in, with all its rules and expectations that have led to everything you’ve believed to be good and bad, right and wrong. This is the world you typically wake up to after the storm and realize that it is no longer serving you. Becoming aware of this world is a very important step to more deeply understanding yourself, as this world is the one that has formed this thing that you call YOU.
This is when you realize that YOU are actually comprised of two parts. There is a YOU that is formed by the ordinary conditioning required to make you into a decent human in our society. And there is a YOU that resides deep within yourself. This is the YOU that existed before all the outside forces began to put a circular dome of conditioning around you to form the outer YOU which you have been showing to the world all your life. This is simply a natural subconscious reaction that is designed to keep you safe. This inner YOU is the real you. It is the you from your childhood, who was loved unconditionally, supported completely, and allowed to frolic in fields, play with monster trucks, or do whatever it was that you loved. Learning the difference between these two is an imperative step along your healing journey! This is when you can thank your parents and the world for creating this outer shell, and walk inward, towards the real you that’s always wanted to be seen, loved, held and supported. There is real healing here. There is immense potential to realign your life when you discover your true essence and walk steadily back to YOU.
The next step in the Hero’s Journey is finding a Mentor. It is imperative that at some point along this journey, you find a good mentor; either a natural (human) or supernatural one, but preferably both. The problem with only finding a human mentor is that all humans are naturally raised with the same conditioning that you were, and so they also come with their own mountain of core beliefs that are not connected with your unique heart and soul. You can follow one person’s guidance and do OK for a while, but the most important thing is connecting with your own guidance, your own heart, your own soul. The best mentors, parents, friends, and partners will encourage you to guide yourself on your own path.
Hint: The truth is that you already have the answers within you! But a good mentor will help you find solid ground and lift you up so you can see your own guidance.
I quickly found guidance from Mother Nature in the beginning of my journey. That was, and still is, my greatest teacher. I started meditating at the base of trees, sleeping under the stars, and connecting with my own guidance more and more. Any devotee to Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, or any other religion will tell you that you need to find stillness to connect with Spirit, or God. I found my stillness in nature. I was able to ground and connect with the energy of the trees, rivers, and mountains to take real life lessons when I needed them.
This is where I may lose some readers who are not so open to these unseen aspects of our reality. To those, I challenge you to try it with an open mind before turning your cheek. I’ve sat at the base of waterfalls to feel the warm love of my mother (and finally understood why they call it Mother Nature). I’ve felt the calm, encouraging hand of my grandfather on my back as I sat next to a campfire. I have cried during my struggles next to a hardened maple tree on a chilly winter night to realize that I too must stand strong and tall to weather life’s many storms, just like that maple tree.
Mother Nature is a good start for many. When I needed love and support, but did not feel it from anyone around me, I found an unlimited supply in nature.
Side note: Celestine Prophecy is a great fictional (but not so fictional) book that can provide clarity on this idea of connecting with nature. Once you slow down and pay attention to the signs, you will start seeing them in the city too. You will see them everywhere; in people you meet, places you go, even in situations where someone insults you and you feel hurt. Keep your head up, shoulders back, and gaze wide so you do not miss it.
Crossing The Threshold is next. This is when things get harder (if they aren’t hard enough for you yet!). This can be a confusing time, as a lot of things that used to make sense when you aligned with the known world before, stop making sense. This is also the point where you cross over into the Unknown World of the subconscious and the shadow world. This is where you go inward and face your inner demons, your greatest fears, and the seemingly dark and scary unknown. This is an incredibly difficult phase of your journey and it is important to have at least one dependable mentor to lean on and help you traverse it!
My mentors were life coaches, energy healers, Mother Nature, energy healers, and my grandfather, who was a seasoned pro at breaking free from family and societal norms as a black sheep himself. I also leaned on multiple therapists, a hypnotherapist, and the aforementioned twelve-week training program. I was also lucky enough to have a couple of good friends who truly heard me and supported me even when they didn’t agree with what I was doing or where I was on my path of life. At my lowest, they listened to the ugliest side of me as I faced my darkest demons. They stood – and still stand – next to me with loving, supportive hands on my back. Those two men, alongside my lover at the time, may very well have saved my life with the unconditional loving space that they held.
The Unknown World is next. It is full of trials, challenges, and revelations. You will adventure to the deepest, darkest parts of yourself that you never knew have always been holding you back. You will face the Great Abyss, which is very possible to get stuck in for the rest of your life without a good mentor or support. Depression, confusion, and isolation is the surest cocktail to send you spiraling straight into to the pits of hell and despair. Please be open to help and support! It is essential along this journey.
You may also experience death and rebirth here. People often come out of the unknown world a completely transformed version of themselves, unrecognizable to their old friends and family members. Be prepared for judgement from the outside world when you emerge. As you are reborn into your old surroundings, but now completely changed on the deepest levels of your being, people will surely be confused. It is important not to hate them for this. And trust me, you will want to. You have just done one of the hardest things in your life to lift yourself up and free yourself from… yourself! To come out of that and be judged, put down, and made fun of is hurtful, especially to those who have gained awareness of the energy that underlies all actions, feelings, and trauma. It can, and will be, triggering.
The truth is that a big part of reemerging back into a reality full of unaware beings who are unknowingly controlled by their own trauma (that was a mouthful!) is realizing who is beneficial to the growth of this new version of yourself and who is meant to be loved from a healthy distance. My father and I have not spoken to each other for two years for this reason. It hurts, but it is better than being unseen, disrespected, and put down for being the incredibly unique and bright light that I am in this world. Unfortunately, he is too stuck in a more narrow, outdated way of thinking and is unable to love and support me for living in a way that he does not understand. And I don’t blame him. The very nature of his subconscious is to reject what makes him feel uncomfortable. And his subconscious, with its own raging river of trauma and insecurities, likely rejects what it knows would be difficult to bring to conscious awareness.
Even David Goggins says that whoever feels inferior to you will only try to bring you down to their level. I say all that to say this: You will face judgement from the 98% of people around you who continue to stay in their same, comfortable lane. Unfortunately, the people you love the most may never see you for the evolving soul that you have become. Yes, that is sad, but it’s a necessary part of the journey. Keep loving yourself and surrounding yourself with people who see you. You will shine brightest in this world when you are surrounded by others who can see your gifts; those who see the real, inner YOU.
I encourage you to learn more about this Hero’s Journey yourself. Don’t just take my advice. Create your own template if you are the independent type who doesn’t like to follow other people’s guidelines. Read about other people who have gone through this journey. Hear what they experienced and take notes on what has helped. Journal about your own unique path. Connect with others on theirs. This has given me clarity and comfort during my journey. It has made me feel less alone and less like a victim once I realized that this was normal based on my situation.
And if you are someone who needs to hear this… Everything you will ever go through is completely normal to the human experience!
Sahara Rose’s book, Discover Your Dharma, came to me at just the right time. She gave up her parents’ rigid and lofty dreams of her becoming a doctor to learn yoga, ayurveda and help others heal. Her parents were incredibly disappointed in her and her father even disowned her for some time. She was devastated. But she learned how they were just on a different level than her; not better and not worse, just different. In that book, she explains how all of those who are waking up to their trauma and embarking on this healing journey will never be fully understood by their parents who never had the opportunity to do so themselves.
Younger generations, particularly those in America, have an incredible amount of abundance; more than ever, in fact. Get a 4-year degree and a decent corporate job and you don’t have to work yourself to death to have extra money, time, and freedom on your hands. We have had significantly more time than our parents did to ponder the purpose of our lives and dig deeper. Dig we have, and it has royally confused the hell out of our parents. That’s ok. It is upsetting and difficult to embark on a difficult journey and not only be misunderstood by them, but it will all be ok in the end. Try not to let it lead to more hate and turmoil between you and the ones you love. Maybe you are meant to disconnect from your family, or that childhood best friend for a few years. Maybe that will only propel you more in the direction you’re meant to go. Try to separate with love, if that’s what is needed, and forgive yourself when you can’t. You are doing your best and that is enough!
Give It Time
This journey is not one that will happen overnight. You don’t get to go back to how things were. This is a lifetime journey you’re signing up for, so be patient. Be VERY patient. Give yourself as much love and grace as you can. This isn’t easy, so put extra effort into it. Especially if you are a man, or you’ve had extensive childhood trauma, self-love can be hard. We are used to holding the space, working to lift others up and show love to others in order to be recognized as a respectable, loveable person. Loving ourselves is incredibly difficult. I am still working on this, and I have a long way to go after three years of being on this deeper healing journey, but it is imperative that you try. The change you are initiating runs so deep into your psyche and into the neuroplasticity of your mind that it takes a LOT of reps to change it. This means you will likely fall into old patterns, as no journey follows a direct and straight line from one point to another. This path looks more like the ooey gooey trail a slug leaves behind as they try to navigate the world. Forgive yourself for accidentally lashing out when you feel an overwhelming amount of sadness or anger. Forgive yourself for being imperfect and walking an imperfect path towards a better you. And keep moving. You got this!
Prepare For Bumps in the Road
Potholes and storms are inevitable, so prepare for the next one. Get bigger tires. Pay closer attention to the obstacles ahead. Fine tune your suspension. Beef up your horsepower for the steep hills, but not so beefy that you can’t make long range road trips. Prepare for a long journey. And bring a map. You get the point. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst! Put yourself around others who at least know the journey you’re on, and where you are on that journey, so that when you stumble, they can be there to help you up. Especially for men, it’s important that you have friends who see the inner YOU, or else they will give you the same conditioning you received as a boy from your father who didn’t know any better.
I have noticed that spouses of men have struggled to support them at times. One common issue I see is when female spouses simply are not aware that men simply need time to process and feel difficult emotions. First, men need the support to go off into their cave to feel it all on their own. We need time and space to learn how to love ourselves and lift ourselves up. We need time to release our anger. We need support in learning HOW to do all of this, as most of us haven’t been taught by our fathers. Once we have had time to process and calm ourselves down, then we are ready to talk and work through our struggles with the outside world. Having this informed support system who sees you and knows how to support you how YOU need supported is imperative!
During this journey, I have learned that the best thing I can do to withstand these potholes is to have a sturdy and resilient foundation. Work on yourself enough so that you’re not knocked down by adversity. Learn to find balance between pushing yourself through adversity, getting help, and resting from it all. Pay attention to what your mind, body, and spirit needs. Stay in good shape. Eat healthily. Meditate. Do your best to find your balance and bring yourself back to center when the storms come.
Another note for men: Learn about discipline and build consistency into your life. Start a daily routine and DO IT, no matter what. You need something to keep you grounded. Routines are grounding. And discipline doesn’t give a shit about how depressed you are. It’s not a debate. You do this because you love yourself and you deserve the best life you can imagine. You do it because the best reaction to this difficult life is the pursuit of something meaningful, something fulfilling, something you will be proud of when you lie on your deathbed. To feel purposeful, men need, more than anything else, to be in pursuit of goals. So, go get it brother!
Don’t Forget to Enjoy the Journey!
As you have seen (or potentially felt), this is not an easy road to travel. The truth is that life is hard and the road to your best self is even harder. But don’t forget to have fun! Take breaks. Don’t allow this to consume every cell of your existence. Rome was not built in a damn day. The same goes for building your own company, getting in shape, and walking the healing journey. Take it one day at a time. Take small bites that you can manage. The most important part of life is to be present and enjoy each moment. As Thich Nhat Hanh says, “Life is available only in the present moment.” Be present. If all you do is work on yourself then you will be just as dead inside as any corporate zombie who sleepwalks their way to an unfulfilling retirement. Find a good pace. Have fun. Enjoy every moment of this difficult life with which you’ve been blessed. And know that no matter how far you make it, you are still loved just the same.