Finding Calm Within the Storms of Life

This is a post that can help anyone, but I am writing it through the lens of my struggles with mental health as a man.

Life is chaos. Well, according to Jordan Peterson, it’s a constant eb and flow between chaos and order. If that’s true, then a large portion of your life will be spent within that chaos. That’s a lot of time spent in a loud, chaotic, confusing world, or moment, or entire phase of your life, in many cases.

I am a very calm man and, as such, there are many times that I feel overwhelmed by this debilitatingly loud world. Whether its my loud Italian family, unsettling music, or my own thoughts, I can easily feel overwhelmed. The real crux is when that overwhelm becomes too much and I don’t have the tools, the experience, or the support to manage it. Those are the times where the storm throws golf-ball-sized hail and can cause some real damage. At its lightest, these times can lead to a real shitty day, where you don’t get done what you planned. At its heaviest, it can lead to the slippery slope of depression and even suicide, as we are seeing happen more and more with men these days. Especially young, white men.

What is helpful for these times, you ask?

I will be speaking from personal experience here, since I’ve struggled with mental health, crippling anxiety, major depressive disorder, and thoughts that this world would be better off without me in it, even with the gift of a perfect 3 year old son sitting by my side.

Here are my three tips to finding calm during these difficult times.

Tip #1: Find A Calm Place Within The Storm

The first and most important tip is to literally find calm within the storm. Find a quiet space that is safe and private. Find your place where you can go to get a few moments of peace by yourself. If you work too much or are married with kids (or both) put your phone on silent and sit in your car after work for 10-15 minutes. If you have the support of those you live with, or you live alone, find a cushion or comfortable chair to sit on before work and tune in with your breath. Just breathe. The goal here is to find shelter from the storm and connect with your deeper self. Many fear this, but your true self, your deeper self, is actually full of peace, quiet, and bliss. You just have to get away from the storm long enough to find it.

I won’t go too deep into meditative practices here, but the goal of tuning in with yourself is to get away from exterior noise, connect with yourself, and get above it all. Meditation helps shift the perspective through which you see your own reality. And when you think your reality is difficult, it’s perfectly healthy and good to get a break from it. Meditation helps you shift from thinking that you are stuck in this life and a victim to your thoughts, to coming home to the truth that you ARE peace, whole, and divine at all times. Once you learn to meditate and simply observe your thoughts, you can move your perspective outside of your own head and get some reprieve from your own stormy mind.

I personally started by watching my thoughts long enough to realize that I am NOT my thoughts. Then I moved my perspective to the corner of the room, or the back of the car, and watched myself living my life from a peaceful, objective place. Some may even call this a Godly or spiritual perspective. Then I moved this perspective 100 feet above my body and viewed the bright sun, or moody clouds and rain. Whatever was around me, I simply observed it from this open, loving perspective. After several weeks of this, I was able to move my perspective all the way to outer space. As I float out there in complete silence, all my problems of daily life seem a lot smaller and I can literally feel the stress melt away from my physical and seep out of my muscles through my outbreath. I am completely free there. I am whole. I am home.

Studies show that getting to that place works wonders for the chemicals in your brain and stress hormones in both your body and mind. This is good medicine! And its free.

So, finding a quiet place is number one. Give yourself that time on a daily basis to connect with yourself. No, you don’t have to float in outerspace, but one of the most beneficial things you can do for your mental health, especially in a chaotic world, is to take a break. And meditation has been proven as the best thing to do during those breaks.

Learn about meditation on your own. Practice it and develop what works best for you. Extroverts seem to struggle more with sitting in complete silence, so if that’s you, then find a 15-minute guided meditation on youtube to listen to in your happy, safe place. Or listen to a sound frequency that resonates with the chakra you feel needs some love. Feel into what works best for you. As you will see, the more you connect with yourself, the easier this will be. You are a completely unique being and only you know what your body needs.

If you can, the most beneficial place to find solitude is in nature. At the very least, sit on a park bench or on the grass in your yard and meditate or do some breathwork. Look out at the trees and watch the leaves blow gently in the wind. Have you noticed how strong and steady trees stand during storms? Take note, as Mother Nature has infinite little bits of wisdom once you connect with her. The Native Americans have plenty of wisdom for connecting with Mother Nature if you’re in need of some guidance.

At the very most, go camping with friends or schedule a week-long backpacking trip! If you are as intense as me and want more serious self-connection, go backpacking for a week by yourself without any service! We came from nature, so returning here helps tremendously with self-connection and connection with all that we are on the deeper levels. During the most difficult times in my life, I’ve gone into nature and felt so loved and supported there. Its no wonder why the Native Americans called it Mother Earth. It really is a safe, loving, nurturing space. Many find it hard to get away from daily life long enough to connect with nature. Let me tell you that it’s the best thing you can ever do with your time! Make it a priority. Make yourself a priority. Muster up the courage you know you have inside to face those heavy winds of your stormy life. Take a break from it all and give yourself the peace and clarity you didn’t even know you so desperately needed. You won’t regret it.

Tip #2: Learn To Manage Your Emotions And Find A Healthy Outlet For Your Anger

Tip number two is to find a healthy and productive outlet for your anger. Storms are frustrating. Life is frustrating. Life is hard and learning the valuable lessons we are meant to learn can be upsetting. Men, in particular, are particularly hardwired to have an immense amount of anger. Not too long ago, we were fighting to the death in the colosseum, slaying each other with swords on the battlefield and upholding incredible empires as we ran our savage patriarchal societies. I believe that energy is still within us, but many men haven’t been taught how to handle all this rage because their fathers weren’t taught how to manage theirs in an appropriate way that fits into the energy of today’s modern society.

So, what does that mean for us now? It means that it’s time to take matters into our own hands and teach ourselves how to act. It is up to our generation to learn how to do better, to learn how to reparent ourselves where our parents fell short. It is up to us to change and do better, for the sake of society and the men who come after us.

We experience real rage, anger and resentment right now, TODAY. So what do we do with it? Exercise is a good start. I’ve spent many gym sessions thinking about what’s pissed me off and I put that energy into lifting heavy weights or pushing myself to run harder. It’s not pretty. There’s grunting, enraged facial expressions, and even tears streaming down my face as I’m sprinting on the treadmill or crying about how hurt or sad I feel. But, I am releasing it and simultaneously improving my health, as opposed to lashing out on those around me.

Another way I release my anger in a productive way is to go break things in nature. The gentler, do-no-harm nature-conservationists don’t like this one and many women haven’t liked to witness me doing this, but I’ll go into the woods and break dead tree limbs over rocks and other things to get the rage out. I yell and scream and cuss and get it all out! A buddy of mine told me he likes to go to the beach and pound the bloody hell out of the sand. Do what’s best for you, as long as you aren’t unleashing your rage on other humans or hurting yourself. I do admit that this isn’t the best option, but it is an option and can be what’s needed just to release anger from the body immediately. I will get into more optimal methods in a moment.

Another way to harness the immense energy that comes with anger and rage is to put it into creating something beautiful. I am a carpenter and I have developed a habit of doing this with different projects. When I am upset and feeling a lot of anger, I transform that rage into productive effort which I exert towards the project I’m working on that day. I hustle the hardest on those days. And at the end of the day I feel a bit lighter and have something beautiful to show for it. Releasing and harnessing this incredibly powerful energy that comes from our anger is crucial so that we don’t hurt those we love most, who are often the closest in proximity to us.

Something else we must do is teach ourselves about managing emotions so that we can improve our character. This requires a desire to learn and grow as a person. Do you want to become a better version of yourself or not? If not, then you’re not ready for this and that’s ok too. If you are ready, then get to reading! Read books, articles, blogs, search on youtube about topics on managing emotions or keeping calm during arguments. Many men resonate with stoicism. If that feels good to you then go with that. Stoicism, The Art of Happiness, by Brian Sandler is a good high-level overview of the topic. The Mountain Is You, by Brianna West, is a good book on self-sabotage, which is something many men fall into (myself included). 12 Rules For Life, by Jordan Peterson is a good one for men looking for some solid ground rules on how to conduct yourself as a respectable person. Lastly, Taming The Tiger Within, by Thich Nhat Hanh (a Buddhist Monk) is a beautiful introduction to establishing a relationship with your anger. This book helped me find and heal the real seeds of my anger and start watering the seeds of love and compassion instead. This is the ultimate and highest act for your anger, based on what I have learned thus far. All suffering starts and stops within the mind. When you are feeling angry, stop, remove yourself from others, and care for your anger in this way.

Learn about yourself, how the mind works, how emotions work, and what tools you can use to manage them better. You will be a happier, stronger, more confident person once you become better at this very important skill. Also, bite the bullet and find a good therapist or life coach. You are not weak for seeking support, talking about what you struggle with and getting help. It is, in fact, a very intelligent, humble, and an important part of everyone’s path. Many of the most successful people in the world have one key thing in common: they have a mentor, guide, or life coach to help propel them in the direction they are going. Emotions are such a difficult thing, especially for men, so it’s important to get some feedback and guidance along the way. In fact, finding a mentor is one of the most important steps in the timeless Hero’s Journey, which chronicles the archetypical path that all men take in life.

Releasing your anger in a healthy way and managing your emotions is very important to finding calm within the storm of your own mind. The better you get at managing your own internal storm, the stronger you will be at withstanding the external storms that know so many people down.

This is an incredibly difficult mountain to climb, so be easy on yourself as you traverse the trail. Our current generations are more conscious than ever, and many are realizing that it’s up to us to turn this massive, generational ship in a better direction. We have thousands of years of trauma and bad habits that we are attempting to overturn. Don’t underestimate the weight of this task and this mission, but also realize its value in creating the happy, fulfilling life that you deserve. It is also a mission that is bigger than us. This work will help so many in generations to come!

Once you start this journey of self-elevation, there’s no going back, so buckle up. The neural pathways that have developed in your mind from your old habits run deep, so it’s only normal to slip up and relapse along the way as you rewrite the script of the person you are becoming. Forgive yourself when this happens, pick yourself up and keep moving. Remind yourself of the man you want to be. Envision yourself being full of calm, peace, and firm, but gentle love, no matter what external storms are happening. Learning to manage your own anger is a crucial piece to the puzzle of your meaningful life. You got this. We got this!  

Tip #3: Work On Your Foundation In Preparation For The Next Storm

Lastly, its important for every home to have a sturdy foundation to withstand the heavy winds of a brutal storm. The same goes for us. But our foundation is our WHY. It’s important to know who you are and where you are going. Otherwise, the storms of life will easily blow you off your path. In the famous words of the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

Look into yourself with curiosity, wonder, and with the mission of steering your own ship towards your truth. What do you care about? What is most important to you in life? What are your values? Who is your deepest connection? Write these down. Repeat them daily. Align your life with what’s important to you. Envision the best version of yourself in the future and develop daily habits that will get you there. Draw a picture of something that reminds you of this and put it on your bathroom mirror, get a tattoo of it somewhere discrete so every once in a while you get a reminder of who you are and where you are going. Develop some damn resilience and some weight in your foundation because you will need it when the storms come!

Many believe that the deepest connection they can have in this life is with their own spirit, their own heart, and with God, or The Universe. I have found that along with a daily routine, a connection with something deeper in this reality is essential for the times that the stability of this reality crumbles around us. When your parents, whom you’ve known and loved all your life, pass, the deepest fire of love in your heart still burns. When your marriage ends and the future you envisioned fades to an empty abyss of unknown engulfs you, God is right there, waiting for you to call out for guidance. Friends, family and lovers all come and go, but your spirit will always be with you. No matter how difficult the external storms become in life, The Universe will be there, with its infinite amount of love and eternal calm.

To summarize, we live in a chaotic world and that can really knock us down at times, so its important to take action and prepare yourself. We do this by finding solace from the storm so we can gather ourselves. We do this by learning about ourselves, by building a sturdy, resilient foundation to prepare for the next one before it comes. We do this by reparenting ourselves. And we make sure to lift ourselves up along the way with heavy doses of grace and forgiveness. No more “man up!” or “don’t be a pussy!” We are past that. How about “You got this!” or “I see you”? It will take some time, but people are already starting to realize that its ok to get help along the way, especially when you are buried in the trenches and are struggling to breathe, let alone dig yourself out with your bare hands. Be good to yourself. Give yourself what you need. Support yourself like you do for those around you.  

I’m sending you strength and love on your journey, brother. You’re right where you are supposed to be. Keep pushing. Keep growing. Keep evolving. I am here next to you, as are so many around you.

To all the spouses, parents, siblings, and friends of any men who may be struggling next to you, keep learning how to support them. It takes an informed, loving community to lift others up and create the balanced, healed, healthy world we want to live in. Our team at Speak Your Mind is walking this journey right alongside you and we think you’re doing great!